Longing to Live with Loss

There is a persistent malaise, depression, emptiness that resides with you after a loss.  At the least, it hovers over you like a one of those cartoon rain clouds.  It makes a day seem soggy and dreadful.    At the most it paralyzes us and our lives.  It destroys any thought of well being and satisfaction.  It keeps us from moving.  It threatens every attempt to be productive.  It invites us to dine in on our grief until we begin to feed on it, grow it and nurture it.  Mixed with anger and questions of why we begin  make our grief who we are.  More than Wife, more than Mother, more than Daughter, Friend... more than a  child of the King.  Soon nothing means more to us than our grief.

Hopefully some old, healing, normal thought pattern streaks across our brains and we start to remember "We are not our grief"  There is a person in here who is hurting but who also is "Longing to Live with this Loss." 

Most of us eventually begin the journey of crawling out of a protective cocoon we have created to save our selves.  Light enters, friends and family fan that spark in the best way they know how.  Gods word and His love begin to seep through the dark and make contact with our wounded heart.  We begin to heal. 

There are many ways loss can come into our lives, to many to even attempt to mention here.  There have been several different ways Loss has struck my life.  As many of you have experienced.  Rarely do we get to go through our lives on earth with out experiencing loss on a significant scale.

After my miscarriages in particular, I struggled with depression, some self destructive behavior, inability to function properly in society excetra.   I felt alone in my pain.  I continued in life but my heart was lagging way behind my efforts to heal.

The subject of these losses, I would never dream of forgetting.  They were precious hopes and dreams.  Cultivated, pampered, supported and positive.  So... how do we Live in prosperity (or at least get out of bed and put one foot in front of another)  AND still remember what we lost WITHOUT being intertwined with emotions that threaten to take us back into darkness.   For some, this is an impossible feat.

Many years after my first miscarriage, my heart still hurts and tears still come.  My second... I still have days that I struggle.  It was not long ago and that wound is still sensitive.   I have talked and cried and read and prayed.  I've been surrounded by a loving husband, daughter, parents, sisters and friends.  I have dove into his word.  Been under the teaching of a positive Godly pastor.  Healing is happening.  There is no doubt about that.  But what if I needed more...

I wish I had a secret answer.  I believe there is an answer to all Life's questions and hardships found in Gods word.  But lets face it throwing a Bible down in front of us in the beginning of this healing process will often, sadly not work. 

God often sends people.  He pushes us into the path of help sometimes.  He uses the world around us to show us the way.  If you are His, He has already looked upon you with favor and love and is creating a way for you to continue to live your life... His life... with abundance and richness. 

I wanted to leave you with some resources that I know about. 

A church family  http://www.thesummitchurch.net/   The Summit Church.  .  -  Your own church more than likely has someone who can meet with you and help you through what ever you are going through.  I have posted a link to my church if you do not have one of your own.

http://mendedheartscounseling.com/-  Mended Hearts Counseling and Recovery.  I personally know this lady.  She offers many professional counseling services related to addressing emotional concerns in women.  She specializes in working with women who have experienced trauma including infant/child loss as well as emotional concerns related to pregnancy and postpartum period.

http://www.heartstringssupport.org/  HeartStrings  I have not had experience with them but they have come highly recommended.


I hope this has been helpful.  I offer my prayers to anyone who is dealing with any type of loss. It can be a long and difficult journey.  I truly believe God has intended for us to live positive fruitful lives,  even when hardship falls.   If you need help please feel free to reach out to these resources listed above.  Know you are loved and there is support and help available during these times of Loss.

 

 The Dreaded Yellow Color

As we drove to school my ears were filled with stories from my eight year old daughter.  Stories of what happened yesterday on her favorite show all the way to what happened moment by moment on her favorite ride at the amusement part we visited over the summer.  You couldn't really call it a conversation.  It was just an onslaught of moments and memories.  They poured out of her as if  her brain just could not contain them any longer.

"Wow... bless her teacher at school today" , I thought.  Then I thought about the pit of my stomach that seized up anytime she was spoken to about talking to much in class or not paying attention.  The dreaded yellow color!  

I find myself praying,  "Lord, please help her be quite and still in class. Help her know how important it is ... and for me not to W..O..R..R..Y .... Then I fall into a loving long lecture about school behavior and consequences of bad behavior. 

Don't we do that though?  Don't we expect God to hear us and some how grant us the ability to control everything.   We may even do it with the best intentions.  We honestly and truly want the best for our children.  We don't want them to know the pain from living out bad decisions.  We want their days to be full of positive moments not punishments.  We want them to grow up respected by the world around them. AND... we don't want to stress our lives away, worrying every moment.

After our church service yesterday, I was again reminded that it is ALL and ONLY JESUS.  There is a certain FREEDOM that we can have.  We must realize He has the controls.  He has laid out a road map for us to follow.  He will take care of all we are not designed to control.  There is a joy and peace that comes from living in the parameters of the life and only the responsibilities He has laid out for us.  

When we love Jesus and accept His gift of salvation, we fall under His leadership and He becomes responsible for all that we can not control.  As humans, that it means anything out side our own bodies. (and for some of us... even something's going on in our own bodies)   It is hard to accept this fact.  I read this somewhere earlier this year,  "God gave us the power to raise our children.  He did not grant us the power to control them."

I came to this conclusion.  I will pray.  Each morning, during my day, at night, I will pray.  But my prayer will change.  I will remember to pray like this;

"Lord, help me to remember it is ONLY JESUS that can change a heart and mind.  Help me remember I am not in control of her day.  Help me to be wise in what I say when disciplining her.   Help her to be able to forgive my many moments of bad behavior.  Help me to gracefully pass along wisdom you have shown me.  Help me to love her, correct her, stand up for her and show her the perfect love you have shown me.  Lord let calm and peace reign in this mind and home and not worry and stress."

How will our lives and the lives of our children change when we completely understand ...  It is ALL and ONLY JESUS?



 

Falling, Flowing, unmistakable, undeserved ... Grace

 

 

 

 

Grace falls into the crevasses of our lives. 

It pads our downs and makes our ups take flight. 

Grace revolves around us, it shelters us, it keeps us from losing hope. 

It keeps our dreams in sight. 

 

Without Grace there is no forgiveness of sins. 

With out Grace there is no feeling of the Hope that lies within. 

 

Grace is found in the smile of our little ones. 

Grace is sought after a long day and endless nights. 

Grace is a spouse that loves us even though...

Grace is abundant when we fail, after giving all our might. 

 

Grace multiplies, even when there is sin. 

Grace is lavished upon us because Christ lives within. 

 

Grace is there when you don't see the traps of evil. 

Grace is given each day we walk through this life.  

Grace is undeserved. 

Do not forget to be thankful for it as you watch your days fly by.   

 

The law gave us failure and was brought by man. 

Grace is brought in Love, as only the son of God can. 

 

Grace can not be used and discarded by the wicked. 

Grace is given in perfection and will be used right. 

Grace won't be wasted.  Its sole intention is this. 

It is given as a gift from knowing the Savior, our God of all light.  

 

He was a perfect soul and man. We are seen as righteous because of grace.  

Only by Him was this grace given and our ransom paid. 

 

 

 

Go out today remembering Grace.  When we have messed up and don't see the full consequence of our mistake... Grace!   When we are feeling low and the fresh air and bright sunlight picks up our tired spirit... Grace!  When the day comes and we fully realize our sin and how hopeless we are, God meets us there, forgives and shows us hope and a new life...  Grace!!!

WHY? ... Beacuse you are not doing anything right!

 

 

Guilt is a paralyzing emotion.  I am fully aware of the damages to daily life Guilt can bring. 

 

I have a habit of feeling guilty for everything.   It keeps me depressed.  It produces

more bad days to feel guilty about.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Every small mistake is blown

up into a catastrophe.  Every small lacking quality becomes a reason to beat myself up. 

 

I feel guilty for not being as good or as pretty or as thin or as patient or as likeable or as stern or as active or as Godly or as good a wife or as good a mom or as good a home maker... this list could go on and on. 

 

Now to be honest usually, on a good day I can be "not easily offended" by my own thoughts and like I tell my daughter I can "shake it off".  I say my own self because that is totally true.  No one on earth has ever done as much to "Damage" me or hurt me.  No one has ever said the things I hear my brain saying to me on a daily basis, than what I tell MYSELF. 

 

"Why is this house a mess?  Why didn't your daughter do better today?  Why does your family have more bills than money sometimes?  Why didn't you work out longer, harder?  Why are you taking a break to watch TV?  Why didn't you finish that project?  Why haven't you seen your parents?  Why haven't you been a better sibling?" " Why are you still grieving?"  "Why are you sick, AGAIN"  "Why haven't you heard from that friend?"   "You KNOW why, don't you?... because you are not doing anything RIGHT!"  

 

I battle these feelings.  I have eaten these feelings.  I have tried to cry away these feelings.  I have, a time or two tried to drink away these feelings.  I have tried to blame others for these feelings. 

 

The truth is these feelings are the result of sin.  A sinful nature that started thousands of years in a garden, with a snake... You know the story.  The devil is not whispering these things in my ear.  These thoughts come and go and will continue to come and go because this world and this PERSON has sin in and running through it. 

 

So, where is the miraculous healing?  When do we throw the devil out?  When do I stand up and yell "Hallelujah!!!  I am free from this!!" ...  I don't believe it works like that. 

 

I believe it works like this... 

 

You pick up your Bible, as Daily as humanly possible.  You pray, as often as one of these thoughts hit your mind. You get into a good church and be a part of it!   You own the fact that you have imperfect issues and YOU ARE OKAY WITH IT!    

 

God doesn't see all this garbage we tell ourselves!!!  When He looks at you He sees His perfect Son.  Having these thoughts isn't the issue here.  Feeding on them.  Using them to excuse bad behavior.  Not taking them to God.  Not asking for forgiveness when we do mess it up.  Taking these feelings and beating up on our family because of them... that is SIN. 

 

Take a moment examine your emotional self.  Take a stand today against GUILT and DEPRESSIVE thoughts.  Make a move against them today.  

 

Pick up your Bible.  Sit down and pray.  God will show you a wonderful women.  He will show you, the YOU He sees everyday.